And Then There were 4. Kids That Is!!!!

On May 28th, I started my, oh well you don't need to know that part.  Let's skip to June 23rd.  I did something I do everyday and it changed my life.  I peed.  And when I peed two pink lines appeared.  If only those pink lines didn't come with fear and anxiety.  Don't get me wrong, there is lots of happiness, jumping and screaming with excitement too.

First starts the "normal" pregnancy fears.  The Oh crap I am going to get so huge.  Oh no, here comes the morning sickness.

Then the fears that are "normal" for pregnancy after loss.  The "Oh God I'm cramping".  The examining of the toilet paper for even the faintest pink tinge.  And then there's the hiding the pregnancy til the safe period passes.........  Or who am I kidding everyone knows.  Their is no safe period, for one.  And for two, I have an inability to keep a secret.  I don't even like birthday presents.

The last kind of anxiety, for now at least, as I am only 7 weeks and 3 days, is Holy cow I will have 3 kids and 2 will be in diapers and one won't be able to do anything for him or herself.  And now we need a bigger car, and, if a boy, we will need clothes.  And, if a girl, we will have two teen aged daughters someday.  That means two boys to fight off, two proms, two weddings.

But when all that fear is pushed aside, just knowing there is another life growing, another heart beating, and another set of feet to pitter patter.  It is all worth it.

I go for my sono on August 6.  Let's hope there is just one. =)

An Open Letter to MY Children

Dear Brody and Caitlyn,
When September 20th came along in 2008, never did I think I could be this in love with anyone or anything. Never did I think I could want to fill my every hour of the day with thoughts of how amazing you truly are.  And when September 6 came 3 years later I was amazed yet again how much a heart could grow.

It is shocking how at one time you did nothing yet you did everything.  Both of you were so entertaining as you lay in the floor moving, spitting up, or simply being.  It was rejuvenating watching you learn.  My faith in life was fixed when I got to see a protective little boy bat away nurses or even Grammy because she was his.

Brody: It has been amazing watching you find yourself.  And help along the way as you discover your humor, your taste in clothes, your favorite activities.  It has been amazing to hear you go from babbling to singing songs.  Twinkle little star never sounded so amazing.

The job of mother has been rewarding and challenging.  But the hard parts make me appreciate the good.  And boy is it good.

Caitlyn: While I haven't known you as long, it seems like you have always been there.  You were meant to be here.  You were our missing piece of the Crews puzzle.  So glad we "found" you.  Or that you found us.

You started out scary.  With your tummy scaring us from the beginning you fought through it all, and now are an amazing pooper.  Don't kill me for that one when you get older.

It has been amazing to see you follow your brother's footsteps.  For the better or worse we shall see.  You already have such a personality.  I can't wait to see it continue to develop.  And I enjoy our "conversations" and look forward to the real words and helping you solve your real problems.

And for both of you.  It has been amazing to watch the love in your eyes forever.  You may not always like each other, but you definitely love each other.  I hope that part never falters.  I hope that you can always be there for each other.  I hope that you can always know that even when you don't get along, he is your brother, and she is your sister.  No one can break that bond.  You will always have that.  I hope that you recognize your differences and embrace them so that you can always be buddies.  It is seriously cute.

I love you guys more than anything ever.  And that will also NEVER change.  If you have nothing, you have that.  And I hope it always means everything to you.

Love,
Your momma